When you are a saint you get all the special treatments or "blessings" that can be offered. When you are a sinner you must become a saint to get those "blessings." Explain that one to me. It seems i would want to give the struggling people family home teachers so that they could get an attachment in the ward and feel loved by coming. I got asked last week "Are you new?" and i wanted to cry.
Now i haven't gone Every single week, mostly because i had work or i had worked that previous night till four in the morning and couldn't stay awake during nine o'clock church (and trust me, i tried to go when i was in that state. Bad idea.)
When i quit work i was excited. Jedi and i could go every Sunday and everything would be good. Except for the General conference, which we went to, and the Stake conference, which we couldn't find, we've been every single week. That's not good enough though. Sorry, guess that six months you've been waiting for the "paper work" still isn't good enough. Thank you bishop. Thank you for telling me how much you really care. Thank you for giving me some bull for the past six months about why i can't be forgiven.
I got so mad that i just stormed out of the office. I get lied about why i can't get back in. It's not my fault i had to support my family. Oh yes, but i'm one of those sinner folk.
I'm never going to get back in. It seems so hopeless. Jedi and i can't talk about the church anymore. It hurts. The church shouldn't hurt you like that. They shouldn't lie to you. They shouldn't expect things out of sinners that they wouldn't expect out of saints. I just need a boost. Some support in the church if that is even possible. I don't mean family. I mean random people who genuinely care about others. About sinners.
I don't actually think i'm a sinner by the way. That is just the stereotype thrown upon us as we try to climb. And it is just the church we're struggling with. We're almost done reading the Book of Mormon for this year. My goal is to finish it every year as a couple. We pray together and remind each other to pray too. I am so excited to celebrate the Lord's birth this year. To give to his children and show gratitude for the blessings that i do have. I love God dearly. I just am struggling to say the same about his church.
I think last year put a fear so deep into my heart that i have a lot of painful scrubbing to get it out. I haven't known what the fear was exactly until in class one day we talked about Adam and Eve. How all girls have pains giving birth because of Eve. Maybe it was supposed to hurt anyway, but i swear that goes directly against the second article of faith.
Actually it doesn't. That only covers man. I know in my head that it means man kind but so many things seem to point at me and say "Woman, God does not want you in his kingdom as much as he wants Men." I just get flash backs of "who ever marries her will never make it to the highest kingdom" said by the stake president. I remember asking the bishop "So i'm not a daughter of God?" such basic doctrine. "I'm not sure," he said. Well, i know i am. I know it. Just please, God, let me feel it. Let me feel like i am worth something in your eyes because everything else tells my heart i'm not. Get rid of this shadow. I'm sick of it always being in the back round.
My favorite cousin's father says "have your doubts, but believe anyway."
I'm writing again. Here's a snid bit.
"The first day of school always made Daisy Snick awfully nervous. If she slept at all, she never made it into R-E-M. Daisy, or Dace, always dreamt. She dreamt of normal things like going to school naked and being lost in labyrinths. She also dreamt of strategy."
My mom's been dying for that.
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